Where Do I Even Start?
Every morning, after I open my eyes, I ask “Where do I even start?”. I ask what’s the point of crawling out of bed. What’s the point of trying anymore? Every. Single. Day.
Then I suck it up and I put my feet on the ground through excruciating pain. I stand and immediately fall into the wall and brace myself and wait for my legs to respond. I try to ignore the fact that they feel crushed, like glass that can not support my body. I try to talk myself into taking a step that I know will shoot that pain through my entire being. Then I take the step. Then another.
I have to. You have to. You have to fight whatever it is that is trying to keep you down. Whether that is a physical illness or a mental illness. Sometimes it’s both. For me, it is both. RSD, or CRPS (what they call it these days) is nicknamed the suicide disease. What a nickname to have! Depression comes along with pretty much any and every chronic illness. It’s a struggle.
You Have to Want to Fight
In order to survive, you have to want to fight. Sure, there are days when I say why bother….just put me down like a dog. It’s ok for me to feel like that sometimes, as long as I don’t hang on to that thinking process too long. But you do have to want to fight and survive to keep going. If you give up, that’s it… Sure, RSD has taken a lot from me and sometimes I feel pretty freaking worthless. I feel like I let down my family, my friends, and my clients. But I am doing what I can and that is all I can do. I push my limits daily. Sometimes folding the laundry is the hardest thing in the world for me. Lifting a towel in the air to straighten and fold, then I need a nap? A car ride leaves me exhausted for days.
I Can Fight It, But I Also Have to Accept It
This is the reality of my normal though and I can fight it,but I also have to accept it. I have to accept the fact that I can not do everything. I have to accept that I can only do what I can when I can and hope that others understand that. I have to accept help that is offered, even though I would rather take on the world and do it all myself.